Reclaiming My Life- with and without "magic"

Why do we make each other feel bad for what makes us genuinely happy?

On some level, are we secretly jealous of those brave enough to share and express their passions so openly, because we lack the confidence to do the same?

In my case, most of my insecurities stem from my eating disorder- dissecting every aspect of myself, particularly my body, until I reached an unattainable level of "perfection."

---

As I mentioned in my most recent youtube video, I have deprived myself of anything that brought me joy outside of dance for years, because I was influenced to believe they didn't fit my "destined" mold of the "perfect ballerina."

It's truly devastating to think about all the opportunities I forced myself to miss out on- including but not limited to food, experiences with friends, memories with family, and so much more.

I forced myself to miss out on...food, experiences with friends, memories with family, and so much more.

Now, I am here to tell you that I am leaning into these enjoyments that I have suppressed.

For the first time in years, I feel like I am genuinely myself as opposed to the "perfect" version of myself I worked so hard to construct.

Two things that are very important to me, family and memories, are encapsulated by the many worlds of Disney.

There are a lot of links between "Disney adults" and those that seek to heal their inner child and I would agree that this is true in my case.

---

My parents took me to Walt Disney World when I was very young, so those trips I unfortunately have minimum recollection of. I appreciated them all the same and in my younger years I used to love recreating Disney artwork and watching movies with family and friends.

However, there reached that point I mentioned earlier, where I brought all of that to an abrupt stop. I couldn't allow anything to distract me from ballet.

Last year, my boyfriend surprised me with a trip- our first solo vacation as a couple- to Walt Disney World, so it has certainly been symbolic in a lot of ways beyond just reclaiming my childhood- but also growing into my own person.

This year I was completely blown away by my boyfriend because he surprised me again with a trip in January. This particular time around, I have felt more comfortable sharing my experiences on social media.

Both trips allowed us to create a stronger bond with our chosen family that live nearby the parks and I honestly do not know what I would do without any of them in my life.

---

I definitely believe that last year I felt ashamed and in a lot of ways like a "joke" to the ballet world because I had an interest in something that wasn't for the purpose of becoming the perfect ballerina, so I kept it a secret out of fear of being shunned.

As I'm continuously challenging the rules I've placed on myself over the years, I am embracing my true passions.

I couldn't allow anything to distract me from ballet.

Now I know that even if I were to pursue a career in dance, it wouldn't be necessary for me to abandon my qualities that make me, "me."

---

This past week, I uploaded my first youtube video in quite some time, sharing an unboxing of a Disney themed subscription box.

Even this week, I could feel myself slipping into those "routines" of years prior, doubting if I should continue to edit this particular blog post or even upload the youtube video at all.

I was worried it would carry no value and result in ridicule.

But...

that would go against everything I have designed my platform to be-

a safe space where I find ways that celebrate life and encourage others to do the same.

And if I would purposely not share information that makes me happy because I am scared I'll be judged, I would certainly not be living the authentic life I am proclaiming.

This past week, I uploaded my first youtube video in quite some time, sharing an unboxing of a Disney themed subscription box. 

So to conclude today's blog post, I would like to leave everyone with a few questions....

What brings you the most joy in your life?

If you are having difficulty finding magic in your days, weeks, or even months, what is preventing you from unlocking that part of yourself?

I am well aware that not everyone can naturally find happiness in their lives- that would be incredibly insensitive of me to assume everyone operates the same, universally.

The only thing I can encourage, with that in mind, is that if you find you are preventing yourself -unintentionally or purposely- from finding joy in your life, confront those "rules" that you may or may not be living by.

Life is too precious and short to spend your time living for the sake of those around you.