I often overthink every aspect of my life. I have found so much relief in writing, filming, editing, and creating content yet I second-guess myself before nearly every upload.
I worry.
I worry I will be judged.
I worry that people will think that I am a waste of space or that I am someone who is no longer "sick" because I look a certain way.
A lot of these thoughts take place in my head- narratives I create about the people around me and myself. It would be unfair to make assumptions of other people and how they think and it would certainly be unfair to myself in my healing journey.
I can recognize my concern with others' perception of me is a big component of my issues with my self-esteem and undoubtedly my eating disorder.
I always try to make everybody happy.
Unfortunately, that is not possible. At the end of the day, the only person's happiness I am responsible for is my own.
Given my circumstances -the fact that I have prevented myself from living an authentic life for 95% of my time on this planet-
it's come time for me to abandon the constraints I have placed upon myself.
I have prevented myself from living an authentic life for 95% of my time...
Truthfully, these thoughts have nothing to do with my "success" or "fame" as a content creator.
As far as I am concerned, if my experiences reach just one person out there-even within the next ten years-
and can prevent them from making some of the mistakes I made, I will be satisfied with my platform.
Watch me conquer a major fear food and learn to cope with the inevitable feelings that come as a result of that experience-See my latest Youtube video above-if my experiences reach just one person out there...I will be satisfied with my platform.
They say that in order to achieve "success" with your online platform, you have to establish a clear niche, so your audience will follow suit accordingly.
The main reason I will not be able to reach the level of "influencer" is because I won't confine myself to one simple definition of who I am-
not anymore
I want to show a realistic sense of life-one that is not limited to a certain trait or hobby. Humans are way more complex than that and that is perfectly okay! In fact, we shouldn't be trying to paint a picture of ourselves solely with colors that we "think" we "should be" using in order to reach success and recognition.
I am here to share my story-regardless if that that objectively has any value to a large crowd-and at the very least make a small difference.
Now that I am no longer suppressing my true passions, I feel so much more fulfilled in my everyday life- because my experiences are real rather than curated. Maybe that means I won't be successful online by the standards of typical media, but I know that I am finding joy in my days and *hopefully* inspiring others to do the same!
So from now on, there will be no more second guessing.
No more late night deleting and punishing myself.
Just...
...authentic LIVING!
Another example of enjoyments I have denied myself over the years that I am now beginning to reclaim- in one of my latest youtube videos below--Living With Grace